I had not been in
jail a week. I had not yet overcome my
stage fright. In the cell block there is
only one toilet and it sits out in the open.
This means with twelve to fifteen people sharing the same toilet for an
entire day, every day, everyone is just sitting there while you use it. Once they get us out of our cell for the day
there is no going back in. Everything
happens in plain view for all to see, all the time. My problem was peeing with a room full of
people right behind me. They made fun of
me though, standing there forever trying to pee, so I eventually figured out
how to pee under the pressure. I will do
anything to avoid being made fun of. You
see, my pride wouldn't allow for it, if they could pee publicly, so could
I. I was too young to be in there. It's going to be a long ride.
So there I was,
sitting up on top of the steel picnic table that is bolted to the floor
watching the Prices Right at like ten or eleven in the morning. It's the only channel they allow on the TV. Elbows on my knees with my hands under my
chin, waiting. It’s all there is to do
in there.
I don't remember why on this particular day,
but there were not many other inmates in the cell block, it must have been a
court day or something. Maybe I just
felt like I was the only one in the room.
I was sitting there practically all by myself when I saw something out
of the corner of my eye. I turned to
look, and right there in the hall outside the cell block looking at me through
the glass was a group of high school students taking a tour of the jail. I knew all of them. I had just been attending the same high
school with them the previous year. I
just kind of waved, I didn't know what else to do. Embarrassing really isn't the word. Reality was rushing in. It was starting to slam home in my mind.
This was my first
bitter taste regarding my new situation in life, my first realization of my
loss of freedom. I watched them leave
and could not leave with them. This was
my first taste of knowing that my life was going to be very different now. Of course back then I had no idea what it
would mean in my life that my peers were going to college and I was going to
prison. I had no concept of how this
would forever change my life. I had no
idea what this would mean for the adult me, in terms of wisdom and life
experience. Looking back now, I would
not change going to prison because as it is now, I still got to go to college
and still have those experiences that everyone else got to have. I made sure of it. I lived life.
I lived that dream. While no one
else had hardly any of mine, and never will have the experiences I obtained in
prison. Some of the lessons I learned
about life and what it is to live, well, I don't see how those same lessons can
be learned out here in society without actually being incarcerated. I have often pondered this situation, and it
seems true to me, that freedom cannot be appreciated in its deepest levels
until one has lost their freedom.
When another grown
man tells me when and where I can go I don't feel free. Who would?
It's degrading. This prison
business was a long ride. I would suffer
anything at all if I knew I would be free for doing it. I value my freedom over all other things. It
turned out that prison set me free, spiritual life in effect. This life of mine has been about breaking
free of attachments. Going to prison
saved my life in a weird way because it forced me to break free of certain
attachments that I probably would never have been able to break free of out in
society as it is. The cultural pressure
is just too strong. This is one of the
reasons so few wake up.
Most people have no
clue what freedom really is.
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