It's weird how shit goes. JoAnn will brag about it, like she did me a favor, and I'll have to be honest and say, I guess she did, but whatever. My wife contacted her in this past year, letting her know she ain't off the hook. She just tried to talk herself up. She's always said she did the best she could, as if her best was good enough. Someone's got to make sure she knows her oldest son still suffers because of her actions. Don't jump to some lame ass conclusion here either, don't judge me. My life has followed the trajectory of a violently abused male almost perfectly. I'm not being a victim. I'm acknowledging shit for what it is. She is a pro at blaming everyone, and not taking responsibility.
Supposedly they put her on medication as a child, and it messed with her, so she prevented me from being medicated. Props. That's one of her great parenting achievements. What's weird, is that she didn't have no problems turning her head the other way, letting dude beat the shit out of me, choke me out, humiliate me daily, but putting me on medication was just too far. Goddamn these people were ignorant. Still are unfortunately.
I'm debating getting back into their lives, and let me tell you that stirs my pot.
Of all the people in my past, my grandmother is the one I have the fondest memories of, and she was the one that wanted me on medication. Matter of fact, she still to this day says that shit right to my face. I need medication. Even now she thinks that I should get something. I just tell her if I'm going to medicate I'll smoke weed, please and thanks. Honestly though, I don't even smoke anymore. Over these decades of dealing with my shit I can finally just sit in it sober and not want to die. I want to say to her so badly, "No grandmother, what I needed was a mother who didn't let others abuse me, who herself didn't abuse me." This "mother" of mine is of course her daughter.
I went many years without talking to my grandma. After I finally worked up the nerve to tell my parents to fuck off, I pretty much quit talking to all of them. I held them all accountable. Recently, though, some shit went down, and I ended up calling her. I was in the weeds. Going through what is commonly called a "dark night of the soul", and had reached out for help. Naturally, as is always the case, the Universe synchronized, and help arrived.
I basically found out that in this life I'm here to experience two things, one of my lessons is unconditionality, and the other is strength. The way it was explained to me was that it is not a test, not a pass or fail, but that it's simply what my life is about in a way. Strength and unconditionality. I was also told that I am a truth seeker, and that I bring the truth like a hammer.
I found this out by having an Akashic reading done on my life. The reading was specific to my current blocks in life. You know, the things that are affecting me at this juncture, going through another shedding of ego, read here, dark night of the soul. I know a lot of people will be highly skeptical of this, but all I can say is, I was told things about my life that it simply was not possible for the person doing the reading to know. Absolutely impossible. I spent a whole week trying to wrap my mind around it. Constantly analyzing how this person could have known the times in my life when I made particular vows, the times in my life when the storm changed directions. How could this person have known those things about me.
On top of this, the same person did an Akashic reading for my wife, and it was even more crazy, the things this person knew, there was simply no way they could have known those things about my wife. For me, this put to rest any skepticism regarding people being able to access the Akashic Records. I don't know what to say other than that I am an incredibly skeptical person about such things, and I've not managed to discredit it. I've read a significant amount of material regarding this spiritual phenomenon, from Edgar Cayce, to India mystics. It's not a difficult subject to look into.
After a two hour conversation with the Akashic reader, regarding my life, hearing this information caused a lot of things to click in my head. Suddenly a lot of things made since. There have been so many instances in my life where I loved people unconditionally, for no real logical reason. Matter of fact I've always taken a ton of flack for it. I follow my inner voice though, an my intuition simply requires it. The issue that stood out to me was my arbitrary application of this phenomenon. So naturally hearing this, I realized I was not applying this principle of unconditional love to my family.
This means I was, and have been, making my life far harder than it needed to be.
I called my grandma that same day. She had always been the one who loved me unconditionally. Even though she doesn't know exactly what love is, she falls short, if I called her, she would help out despite any dislike of my choices. It's a weird feeling let me tell you. First, it's her daughter who threw me under the bus. Second, she was that sole human that kept me from being a straight up psychopath. That's a weird spot. It really brings to light that ancient Chinese saying I love to use, "For every great Sage, there is a great Robbery. If you look up legit psychopaths, they are the ones who get abused, but never have any support at all. Grandma was that support for me, because when I was around her I was safe from harm. When I was at my grandmothers, no one harmed me. Third, she was always wanting me medicated, because she believed something was wrong with me. Fourth, like I said, I've always been able to tell she doesn't like my personality. I'm a fucking truth seeker, and this woman avoids the truth like the plague. Fucking whack am I right? It's the perfect mixture of mind fuckery.
I'm still tossing it around in my head, I could just as easily make an argument for holding them unconditionally accountable. It wasn't me keeping them ignorant in life. It wasn't me stopping them from reading books, studying, figuring out what is going on. I've always said if my dumb ass can figure it out, anyone can.
My grandmother is the reason JoAnn left her second husband. I was eleven years old, round a bouts, maybe twelve, and he finally choked me out in front of my grandmother, at my grandmothers house. I was crying about something, and he just put his hand around my throat to make me go silent. My grandmother had to of been livid. She forced the issue that JoAnn could not do herself. JoAnn was told that if she didn't leave him the cops would be called.
It's a Jedi mind trick; loving unconditionally.
When I finally called her, me being me, the conversation tends to the deep side. I hate small talk. She literally said, point blank, that she avoids anything that makes her uncomfortable. I was trying to explain the dark side of child abuse. An effort to justify my actions. She admitted, if her beliefs are put into question at all she abandons ship. My entire childhood, she never let anyone rock the boat. She would not say anything to anyone if it might upset them. Naturally she was the source of much abuse, just from her inability to confront bullshit. Nothing has changed. Had she stood up and been confrontational with the bullshit when I was a much smaller child, I would not have been abused for so long.
It seems after all this time, some things never change. The inability to feel the feels holds everyone back. It's by no means only my grandmother.
I talked to one of my brothers recently. I got his take on the current situation since I've been out of the loop for so long. They are all busy repeating the cycle. Fucking up their own lives, acting like they know what they are doing, when it is clearly obvious they do not. This is extremely frustrating for me because at this point in the game, so many people have dedicated their lives to studying abusive families; the shit has been spelled out. The fix is not a secret, it's public information free at any library in the country. Hell, some people who don't even study up on the subject work it out. Not my brother, but the others. He pulled it together in his own way. One of my brothers at least, has risen above the shit a bit. The rest are still being as ignorant as can be. They won't hear what I got to say either, so we don't converse. They wouldn't understand what I got to say. They think they are educated with their high school diplomas, college degrees, their shit jobs, watching TV, fucking off life. Even the dumbest of monkeys has an opinion.
I don't mind people being dumb, ignorant, and/or stupid. I mind them being those things while pretending they are not. It's quite a distinction.
What a mind fuck. You see, I've a real problem with Stockholm Syndrome. It's one of my crown achievements in life; I never had Stockholm Syndrome. Before I was thirteen I bragged openly about hating my mother, and father. I did not love my abusers. I wanted too, and I wanted them to love me, but I knew it was not the case, and I never pretended otherwise. Of course my monkey suit wants monkey love, but as the condition of unconditionality requires; I must love myself unconditionally. I've always refused to love those who abuse me.
Unconditionality. I think I may have let myself down. I can't tell. I think I might have done myself right. I can't tell.
How am I going to pull this off? How am I going to live my truth, and yet, be in proximity to my abusers? It's going to be a Jedi mind trick. She saved me, she fucked me over. She loves me, she doesn't like me. She would do almost anything for me, except call out my abusers. It's weird how shit goes. For every great Sage, there is a great Robbery. Fucking life.
I'm going to go see her soon. If nothing else, perhaps I'll come home with a recovered childhood memory or two.
You see, I've also always had a problem with forgiveness. Bitterness. I've always said, had they even slightly taken care of me I would have been an Olympian. I have the natural athletic gifts that is necessary to be a champion. I have the intellect to succeed at anything I do, but they brainwashed me. They so thoroughly convinced me that something was wrong with me that I still fuck up my life. She still thinks something is wrong with me.
You see, the main perpetrator of my abuse has finally died. This was my youngest brothers father. When we talked on the phone he told me about how it went down, when he found out and all. I'm not here to tell his story though, but let's just say he doesn't or didn't get upset that I celebrated. He didn't get mad at me because I was glad the dude finally died. I think this particular brother is the only family member who acts understanding towards me about the situation. This brother of mine isn't plagued by Stockholm Syndrome. He like me, keeps it real.
We talked about forgiveness though, and he made a valid point. He said he could forgive his friends for wrongs, because he chooses his friends, but we didn't choose our family. This makes sense, in a worldly way. Why isn't it that our families are held to the higher standard? Why doesn't it make sense that instead of having to accept a shit mom, we say our mother should have been the last person in the world to abuse us? But then, which I didn't point out to him, comes around this business of the Akashic Records. It turns out we do choose our families. We do choose when and where we incarnate. All the Akashic Records peeps agree, we pick our families so that we learn particular lessons in order to grow our souls.
The purpose of life: to grow in consciousness like a tree grows up into the sky, while at the same time growing deep into the ground.
We can't be using logic if we only pick and choose which part of the Akashic Records we want to hear. We don't get to pick and choose. Doing so is all ego. I don't get to pick in choose with my ego, and then claim I am being aware in the truth.
In a previous life I was part of a banking cartel. My father was jealous of my abilities, and had my wife killed. I've always felt my parents were secretly jealous of my intelligence, and that is why they shamed me so badly. If you've read other posts from this blog you'd know I robbed a bank when I was seventeen years old. I got some serious karmic shit going on. Serious trust issues. Money issues all my life. There's more to it than I'm saying here, but it is obvious I'm working off debt.
Why would I go into the mathematics of incarnation here? I tend to shed my beliefs in the face of facts. Do your own homework. My other blog clearly points out the bullshit of this culture. I'm not here to convince anyone; I know what I know.
Somehow I've got to pull off a Jedi Mind Trick, and work my way out of this mind fuck. Rise above. No one said life would be easy. I just read that still today, 2017, Africans are being sold in broad daylight as slaves. We all live in a rape culture. Why should my life have been easy?
Following the shamanic path, I'm going to have to get over myself. Rise above my bitterness. I'm going to have to see these people for who they are, not for what they did to me. I'm going to have to shed some more tears.
I'm going to learn to be unconditional in all ways. It's going to be a tough pill to swallow.
