She was so beautiful

Every day between Chemistry and English class I would see her while walking through the halls. To be honest it took like two weeks before I was sure it was even happening. Like waking from a dream I had to pinch myself to be sure I was actually awake. She would look me right in the eyes. She was so beautiful. Short with short brown curly hair. Smart, curvy, fun and cheerful. True, I was only like fourteen years old, but she was the most beautiful girl that had ever paid attention to me. I have always been a sucker for a beautiful face. I knew instantly she was not like me, so why was she meeting my eyes? I mean if it keeps happening day after day it simply cannot be anything other than her having some interest in me?

I had no idea what was going on. None at all. I had no friends to talk too about such things, and if I even mentioned that this girl was checking me out I would be laughed at out right. Trust me, I tried. One day in the locker room I brought it up, thinking I was cool, and the guys immediately turned on me. Instant ridicule. Anyways, this girl was way over my head, and everyone knew it including me. I was a sophomore, she was a senior. No one in her grade even talked to me. That gap was so wide there was nothing I could do to bridge it. One of the most popular girls in school was checking out the most self conscious boy in school. One of the most secure girls was giving one of the most insecure boys the eye. She was top of her class, she had it all. How could this be?

Because she created such a feeling of awe within me it was nearly impossible to feel anger while in her presence. I just couldn’t put the anger to words, it seemed silly to say such things to her. It was magical because she made it all seem so silly.  It was like all my troubles just went away. She was nice to me. She seemed genuinely interested in me. She was so well put together. I just couldn’t be angry. She picked me up once after school and we went to her house to watch movies. This was huge, I mean mega huge. This had never happened before. I fretted over this date something fierce. I was so self conscious. What do I do? What do I say? Her parents are going to hate me? She is going to figure out the truth about me? Her parents loved her, there was no way they were going to like me. They took care of her. This girl was my exact opposite and because I was so caught up in my feelings I never saw what was really going on until it was too late.

Because of how poor my parents were I was made fun of a great deal growing up because I did not have the same stuff as other kids. We all know what this is like to some degree. My shoes were always too big because they didn't want to have to buy a new pair if I outgrew them before I wore them out. Even when they would break down and buy me Nike shoes, they would be the cheap out of date ones. I knew before they were even paid for I would be getting teased at school the next day. My clothes were always generic. My father threw a fit over having to buy me special shoes for sports; that cut into his alcohol, it cut into his music. My wrestling shoes were always the cheapest they could find. The one thing I was good at and I couldn't even get nice shoes for that either. I had no money for dates. I had no possessions at all. Why was this girl paying attention to me? Didn't she know? Didn't she know how much of a loser I was? Didn't she know I wasn't going to have a car at sixteen? Didn't she know I wasn't going to go to college? Losers don’t go to college.

I was flawed and ugly; worthless. Yet, here this girl was talking to me. What I didn't know then was that girls found me to be attractive. What I saw in the mirror was the exact opposite of what I guess girls see when they look at me. I still don’t really get it. When I look at my reflection I look a caveman, or something. What I didn't know then was that the boys never liked me because the girls did. If I could go back and change anything about how I saw myself, it would be this. I suffered so much because of this one little detail, this one little lie that I repeated over and over in my head. This girl was checking me out because she thought I was hot! If you would have told me that then I would never have believed you.

This is when the real fighting started. Hell, I didn't realize the truth about why males have always hated me until I was in my thirties. When the girls started openly paying attention to me the real fights began. At the time I took it personal. The way males treated me in school almost perfectly matched up with how the step father treated me. I just thought everyone hated me. Those guys didn't hate me, they were jealous.

Once we started actually talking in the halls it was pretty much affirmed. It was officially public that this girl liked me. I thought the other guys picked on me before, but I had not seen anything yet. It makes so much sense to me now, but back then they were just solidifying my rage. My hatred was about to materialize.

Can you believe it? She asked me to go to her senior prom!

My parents really did hate me. He waited till the last minute to get a tuxedo for me. Those are expensive you know. He didn't want to pay for it. All the tuxedo's the other kids would have were now gone because he waited so long. They only had certain ones left in my size. I ended up with a tux that had those thin vertical pin stripes on it. I was suddenly living a nightmare. It made me sick to my stomach. I haven't really talked about it yet, but because of the childhood I had, I had serious anxiety issues. To say I was self conscious is a serious understatement. I was a worrier, a perpetual constant nonstop worrier. I was going to be going to the prom with one of the hottest girls in the school looking like a complete dork. My parents never seemed to get enough of humiliating me.

The dreaded day arrived. Just like the first time I went to church camp, I was both super excited, and in a complete state of dread. I didn't know how to dance. I didn't know how to act like a boyfriend to this girl. I was hanging on by the seat of my pants.

It was the typical prom. Cheesy decorations. Lame music. Prom is really all about the girls you know. There wasn't a single thing there that boys wanted to do except sit around and stare at girls. No one commented on my tux to my face, but I knew that they knew.

Her parents lived outside of town. She was having a party after the prom at her place so that no one would be drinking and driving. I was going to be spending the night with her!

I didn't tell you about her ex though did I? I didn't really know about him either until that night. Can you guess who he was? That’s right, the senior stud. Tall, athletic, blonde. Everything I was not. The dude was immaculate. He literally was the most popular guy in school. The best looking. Top of his class. Star football player. The works. And guess what, he was at that party. They had drama going on between them, but I didn't know anything about it. I didn't have any clue about the drama of being a senior in high school with a boyfriend. I didn’t know about the silly games boys and girls play with each other. I didn't even really know what it was like to have a girlfriend.

A couple days after the prom she dumped me. I am sure everyone saw this coming but me. It crushed me. I didn't blame her for not wanting to be with me, I blamed her for using me. Being dumped in that fashion right after the prom with the whole ex boyfriend and all, even I was not that stupid. All I ever wanted my whole life was just for one single female to like me and not betray me. I just wanted to be loved. I  couldn't not feel betrayed. It was more than I could bear. Of all the things one could do I did not deserve this. I did not seek her out, she came after me.  What she did not know is that the very worst thing one can do to a motherless child is play with their heart.   The pain is overwhelming.

The furnace is primed. The mold had already been made. It is time to cast the iron.  A person can only take so much shit.