Rampage (PreSeventeen)

It's been one of the most common themes of my life. There is this huge gap between how I have seen myself, how I actually am on the inside, and how others see me. This gap has existed all my life. None of these people had any idea what my childhood was like. This gap made high school even more challenging, as if that part of life isn't already hard. High school can suck for people who aren't even abused. The main reason this gap made my life so treacherous is because I could never actually tell what was going on until it was way too late, and by then the next cycle of illusions had already begun. I had no way out.

It wouldn't be until my thirties that I figured out why the males had such a dislike of me in high school. I had such a low sense of self. I'm not sure internally I had any self esteem at all really. I knew how to fake it of course. My relationship with JoAnn was such that nothing I ever did was good enough. Neither of my parents, and especially my step parents, they never supported me at all. By the time I was in high school they had effectively given up on me, and were just waiting for me to be old enough to be on my own. I had been truly convinced that there was something wrong with me, and my external experiences only ever confirmed this. How could I know that girls liked me and thought I was attractive? Girls don't just come out and say those things. Even if they had, I wouldn't have believed them. So of course, all the dudes were jealous. Particularly the alpha males. 

I'll give you an idea of the hate. One of the  real issues was simply my total lack of social awareness, and the nature of the people I was dealing with. I was always the new kid too. Being the new kid ensured I was at the bottom of the pecking order. On top of this the ignorance that JoAnn had enforced on me caused me to be incredibly naive. I was constantly in situations where the gap was so wide I couldn't see across to the other side. 

I was stuck in life in my own eyes. I craved attention. To be popular. To have friends. So I had to risk it. I ended up at a house party one night. I had to sneak out after Barry was drunk on the Jack. It was fairly stupid of me to show up at this kind of party, because most everyone picked on me. Like I said, I craved to be cool, and liked, I risked the danger. This party was not in town either. Obviously when the people who are known to pick on me are drinking it can't possible go any better than it did at school. I was walking around the party socializing with people who weren't overtly mean to me, being careful not to engage those who normally pick on me. I was drinking too, so inevitably I had to go looking for the bathroom. Someone said it was down the hall. I opened the wrong door. When I opened the door I saw a guy going down on a girl. I didn't really know this guy, but I knew the girl.  After finding the bathroom, I told some people what I saw, thinking it was funny. 

Fifteen, twenty minutes later I'm outside talking to someone I knew, and this guy comes flying out of the house in a rage. He did not think it was funny. He's yelling for me. I knew I was fucked. I started walking away, and got myself positioned on the other side of a car. He's practically screaming at me. He's pissed I ran my mouth about what I saw in the bedroom. He was totally shit faced. I knew better than to even attempt to fight this guy when he's surrounded by all his jock buddies. Without any warning he threw his beer bottle at me. Straight to the face. I managed to barely turn my head to the side, but the bottle caught my chin. Luckily it shattered off to the side, over my shoulder. I took off running. 

It took me a couple of hours to walk home. The guy who gave me a ride to the party was as low as I was on the totem pole, so he wasn't going to be able to help me. My chin was cut open pretty good. I had to parallel the gravel road, walking through cow pastures, and plowed fields, all the way back to town because they were out driving up and down the gravel road looking for me. They still wanted to kick my ass. His buddies were egging him on to get me. Basically a bunch of drunk red neck kids roaring up and down the gravel road in a pick up truck. I had to lay down whenever the headlights of their truck was facing my way.  Interestingly at school the next Monday he never said anything about it. Sober he was a different guy. 

This is also the same year I won my first fist fight. I had become friends with this girl over the summer who was also a new kid. She wasn't ugly either. She wanted to go to a basketball game, but didn't want to go alone, so she asked me to go. Of course I said yes. As we were climbing the bleachers to sit down this senior started making fun of me. I mean out loud in front of everyone. He wouldn't stop. My blood started to boil. I started talking shit back, so pissed I didn't care. He told me to meet him at the park. I said, right now. 

Someone drove me to the park. At least fifteen other people showed up, none of them my friends except the kid who drove me there. I was in such a fury I didn't care. This guy squares off with me. I faked a left and punched him right in the nose. It backed him up, but he came right back to me. I was in a fury for being made fun in front of so many people. I faked another left, and when he went to deflect it, smashed his nose again with a right. His eyes were watering, blood was running down his face. He did this weird dance while stumbling backwards, but because everyone there was his friends, he couldn't quit just yet. He was losing. He came back at me again, and I did the same damn thing again. Faked a left, and smashed his nose. He was bleeding all over himself. It took all the fight out of him. His friends told him to give it up.  I was so fucking pumped. I just beat a senior in a fist fight. 

By the time I got back to the school everyone knew. There was a group, waiting like a mob down the hall. When I walked into the school, someone shouted, "there he is." All these upper class students started running my way. I turned and ran. Of course, this guy was one of the more popular guys. Of course, he just had to be friends with everyone that mattered. The following Monday, I found out much to my dismay that my history teacher was this guy's mom. I didn't even know why he was picking on me. I had never even talked to this kid. 

One of his friends put me to a fight the following week. This guy picked a fight with me, making fun of me, and everyone was pissed at me because I won the fight. This time though, I was no longer in a fury. I didn't want to fight his friend, but I couldn't back down either. I can't stand being called a pussy, and that is exactly what they were calling me. That guy smashed my nose so hard, when I bent over after the fight, the blood wasn't dripping, it was literally running like a stream. My little brother was the only one who went to that fight with me. He was worried. At least I didn't wuss out. 

This is the same year that I got knocked out several times during football practice. This senior, David Davenport had it out for me. This guy was built like Heman. Seriously. Dude had a six pack. He was short and compact. Dude had muscles that I only dreamed of having. He was setting weight lifting records at the school. He was the buffest guy on the team. He was easily twice as strong as me. He was always trying to knock my helmet off hitting me during drills. I don't know why he hated me. He never told me. The coach never stopped him. I never backed down either. 

In the same way the girls with daddy issues couldn't not be drawn to me, the other boys with mommy issue couldn't not hate me. I wasn't safe anywhere.

It was a perfect storm of sorts. I had this bad boy image, facade. I was the wounded child archetype in effect. This is a magnet for the female energy. Add to this that I was not ugly. I mean, I was never the best looking guy, but not many females have ever said that I wasn't good looking. Add to this I had an ideal physique, and blue eyes that shine. My sophomore year of high school I was six feet tall coming in at 170ish lbs. Add to this the energy of always needing to prove myself, to be competitive, to feign confidence; females liked me, and the other dudes knew it even though I didn't. I was the only one that didn't know it. I did not see what others saw when I looked in the mirror. 

It was the craziest shit ever. After chemistry class, while walking down the hall to my next class, this girl would make eye contact with me. At first I thought I was dreaming. It was a fluke, but it just kept happening. She was a senior. I didn't even know her name. I had to ask others. She was in a completely different clique than I was. None of my friends were friends with her. No one who I talked to knew her at all. As far as I was concerned she was from an entirely different world. I didn't have any idea at all about the goings on of the upper class students. Yet, there was no mistaking it this girl was making sure to make eye contact with me when we would pass in the halls once a day. That was basically the only time I would see her, and she was making sure I knew she was looking at me. 

This girl was fucking beautiful. What the fuck was going on?  

It was consuming me. I was looking forward to her walking past me in the hall. I would be sad the rest of the day if for some reason our paths didn't cross. I would have done anything to get a girl to like me. I eventually worked up the nerve for a hi, waiting for the time we would pass and there wouldn't be so many other kids around.  I had no clue how to approach this girl. None. She was out of my league, and I knew it, but she just kept on locking eyes. After I said hi to her, she did the rest. Maybe she was waiting for the right time to catch me when not so many people were around? I ended up with her phone number. It took me awhile to work up the nerve to call her too. We talked on the phone a couple of times. I even ended up at her house once to watch a movie. I was too young to have a job. I couldn't take her on a date. I couldn't drive. I had zero experience dating a girl. I was only fourteen. What the fuck was going on? How could this girl possibly like me?

I made the mistake one day of saying that I was talking to this girl to some other guys in school, and got made fun of for weeks. This one guy in particular just railed the shit out of me for believing she even liked me. I wasn't the only one who found this situation too good to be true, almost everyone was in shock. He was so fucking jealous.

It got even crazier. This girl asked me to go to prom with her. That shut up that particular hater. Turned out I wasn't making it up, but oh my god did the hating get turned up in general, all the way around. There were a couple dudes so jealous that this girl was crushing on me they were practically starting fights with me during school.  Of course, their pretense for attacking me was her, it just wasn't being said out loud. They couldn't admit their jealously in such a way. I was so naive and ignorant I just thought they all hated me.  This girl was top of her class. She was one of the most popular girls in the whole school. She wasn't the stuck up, too good for everyone, kind of beautiful. She was that cute, sweet, person that everyone loved, and she asked me to prom, what the fuck is going on?

The people in charge of taking care of me let me down big time too. I don't even know how to express how stressed I was about this prom situation. I'm a first born child. I stress out about any and all situations of which I have not done before. I had no clue at all what was expected of me at a prom. I'd never even been to just a regular school dance. I was stressed to the max. Barry waited till the last minute to take me to get a tux. He hated ever having to spend money on me. I think they were banking on the relationship falling through before the dance. They probably couldn't believe it either. I think they were hoping I would screw it up with this girl before the dance, so they wouldn't have to rent a tux. I had to buy the flowers too. Because they waited until the last minute, and my having such a common build, all the popular tuxedo's in my size were out of stock. I was the only kid at the dance in a pinstripe tuxedo. We all know this girl's shit was all perfect. Her father made money. She had support. She knew what she was doing. 

So for me the gap is most visible. My parents didn't support me at all. I had no clue what was going on. Even wearing the pinstripe tux I had to act like I knew what I was doing. I had no idea. All these people expected me to live up to my facade. They saw this good looking kid, who did well in sports, had decent grades, nice smile. They didn't know I was a wreck. 

Even the after prom party was at this girls house. All her senior friends, and their dates were going to her house afterwards. Camping, bonfire, the works. All these seniors were celebrating. Most of them had grown up with each other, and had been going to school together all their lives. I was the new kid, a nobody. We had a spot in the barn to sleep. My parents actually let me spend the night out at fourteen on a prom night. I begged and pleaded of course. I wasn't entirely stupid.  

I didn't have a single friend at this party. I didn't feel like I belonged at all. I never even stood around the campfire, I just hung back in the shadows, and got drunk of course. My first prom, and I didn't win out, but I at least tried to get laid. Somehow magically I didn't end up just completely belligerent. My fourteen year old ass didn't have a clue how to go about that situation. She shut me down. I probably ruined any chance I had with this girl that night trying too hard, but I figured out the scoop anyways. 

He was there too. Her ex-boyfriend was literally the most popular guy in the school. He had the new girl he was dating with him. Blond haired blue eyed dream of a guy. This guy was the best looking dude in the school. I mean this guy was immaculate. He was the stud football player. Quarterback. He was off to some big college. He was literally everything that I wasn't. Turns out she was just using me to try and make him jealous.  

The mommy issues rendered me unable to deal with this. The feelings of betrayal, of being used, of being picked over. The feelings of not being good enough, when I thought for sure this girl liked me; was more than I could handle. The rage came to the surface. Something inside me snapped. 

I ended up at party a couple of weeks later. All these same seniors were there. I got smashed. I was that guy. Stumbling around like a fool.  I ended up laid out on the ground, just acting the emotional fool. People started kicking me. The girl tried to get me out of there, but couldn't.  She got people to stop kicking me at least. That was the end of that.

Like I said I snapped. I couldn't contain my rage any longer. It wasn't up to me after that. I had no way to deal with the pain. I had no where to go. Not only had I been played a fool, I acted the part perfectly. How could I not? I somehow magically had this completely anti suicidal worldview. Killing one's self was the stupidest thing ever in my mind, so my self destruction got channeled outwardly to the fullest.  Had I been the suicidal type; I would have died. 

I went on a crime spree. I broke into into this kids house who was always making fun of me and stole a bunch of money. This bought gas for the car rides. I started sneaking out constantly, vandalizing, and car hopping. When it started catching up to me I ran away, and vandalized even more. I had a couple of friends who were following me around on my rampage. They had cars. I was vandalizing anything I could. Fuck everyone, fuck the world, fuck god; just fuck everyone. I didn't give a fuck.

I ended up in the projects of Mexico MO. The parents of my friends were catching on that I was a run away, and I was running out of places to go. The cops were catching up to my friends. The cops didn't like going into those projects, so I didn't have to worry about being spotted. When the cops caught up to my friends, naturally they all told the cops that it was me who did all the vandalizing, and it was. They really did just watch. I didn't mind them telling on me. In my rage I was proud of my actions. My mindset was 100% FUCK THOSE PEOPLE.

I was too dumb to be a runaway. I didn't' have anywhere to go. Even in the projects I was told I couldn't stay, so everyone was telling me to just  turn myself in. I got a ride back to Centralia, just walked in the police station, and told them who I was.  I was charged with six felonies, and over thirty five misdemeanors. I was sent to a juvenile detention center, and I was proud of it.  Because of the nature of my vandalism, I was asked, told, to not return to Centralia. The whole town hated me. Mother fucking notorious. 

That town hated me so bad, a couple of years later when I was a senior, playing football for a different high school, we had a game in Centralia. When I made my first tackle they announced my name over the loud speaker and the whole place boo'd. They didn't announce my name anymore the rest of the game.  

At my age I couldn't legally be held in a jail cell, so I was immediately taken to a juvenile detention center in Columbia MO.