He changed my life.

I knew a guy once. He gave me several memorable moments. A few moments that are always in my mind somehow through the spiral of life. This particular memory is one of those that is like a dream; nothing but symbolism.

When I was a kid I looked up to him more than a little. I idealized this kid. He  isn’t around anymore though. He lost the will to live. This is part of his story through my eyes.

High school sucked for me. My childhood forced a certain social ignorance on me, essentially because nothing was ever explained to me by an adult. I’m a legit introvert too, and it’s a well known fact public schools aren’t exactly designed for that personality type. Cool kids aren’t the ones in the back reading a book where I grew up. Matter of fact in every small town I’ve ever lived in I’ve been made fun of for being smart. Like legitimate social ridicule for being intelligent. I did always want to be popular though. Being sensitive I always wanted what the people around me wanted. Nice clothes, cool shoes, who lives where, to be popular etc. I grew up in small midwestern towns surrounded by small minded people. I was powerless in the face of it, it was all I had to go on. I had no self-esteem. I bought it hook line and sinker.

This guy though, he had it all. He was tall, athletic, funny, all adding up to luck with the girls. A most desirous thing to any freshman highschool boy. He lived in a huge nice house. He had the clothes, the shoes. His parents had fancy cars, fancy jobs. He was friends with all the popular kids. He was one of the most popular guys in the high school.

I lived next to the railroad tracks. I was lucky if I got cool shoes. My parents didn’t go to my sporting events, or any of that, and like I said they never explained anything to me. Dude was a factory worker, his wife a secretary. I know now they still don’t know anything, so there was good reason for them not explaining things to me.  

This kid though, he changed my life. I aspired to be like him. His reality was a dream to me. Turns out though, my dream was not his reality. Not even close.

He was the first to knock me out in a fight. Well, really it wasn’t even a fight. We squared off, he knocked me out. That’s not exactly a fight, that’s just a kid getting knocked out in the locker room. We got into it after football practice. I never had a chance, he caught me right in the temple like it was second nature. It seemed as natural for him as wiping his butt. Just something unpleasant that had to be done. He probably didn’t even want to do it, but I just put him to it thinking I was tough. Everyone laughed, I just got my stuff out of my locker after gaining my senses, picking myself up off of the shower floor, and burned out. I was never one to have friends on my side on sports teams.

What I remember most about this guy though, was the shine in his eyes. It has always burned in my mind's eye. HIs eyes always shined. You know how it goes sometimes in high school, after a fight, friendships often result. A fair amount of respect is gained simply by standing one's ground, win or lose.  I wasn’t a terrible athlete either, so the jocks didn’t exactly hate me being on their team.  I was just never in their inner circles. I didn’t get invited to their parties, or to their houses.

Somehow though, I don’t remember how, but I managed to get invited over to his house. In my child mind I was achieving great social success. I was elated actually. I was going to go hang out with one of the most popular kids in the whole high school. As an introvert, who constantly frets and is anxious about social experiences, this was huge. There was no warning for what was to come.

When I got to his house, as I walked in the door, his older brother was beating the shit out of him. Like, not pulling his punches at all. Just completely, wholeheartedly bullying my friend. I was just a freshman, not even finished with puberty, his older brother was a senior. He was also tall and athletic, much bigger than I, and was more than capable of beating both of our asses, so I just watched. I could not afford having beef with this senior at school. I  had enough problems already.

Because of my sudden presence, my friend had to man up. He was probably wishing I had showed up at any other time. He looked me in my eyes as he was escaping his brothers blows, downplaying what was happening, and man did his eyes shine.

I knew then all was not so perfect in my friends life. We were freshman in high school, how long had he been enduring his older brother? All was not as it seemed. Even then, in my ignorant small town mind, I knew firsthand what it takes to create a child who is violent to their younger siblings. I was one myself. Who knows how his parents were behind those closed doors. Rich people are drunks too, they are pill addicts too. Cokeheads.  I learned that day for the first time, with my own eyes, people with nice things are just better at pretending everything's okay when it is not. This is one of the reasons people’s eyes will shine; they are hiding rage.

It’s not possible to be physically abused by an older sibling and not feel rage. It’s not possible to be physically abused by anyone and not feel rage. If my friend could have found it in himself to be honest about his life he would not be stifling rage. When one is stifling rage, with no outside source to direct it at, it gets directed inward. One's self destruction switch gets flipped, and down the dark spiral one goes. 

Looking at it from the outside, he completed the circle. He believed the lie. He measured his self value by cultural standards, material success. When he lost everything due to economics, he never got back up. He used up all his life energy telling a lie, pretending he was okay when he was not. Even when he had all his material possessions he was not okay; he was just filling the hole.

I’m sure all manner of opinions can be made about the choices he made. The truth is he was in the weeds from the get. I wish I could have helped him, but like so many the truth seems too painful. It’s a phenomenon I see everywhere I look. People are raised terribly, and then are expected to be competent capable adults. And even worse they will judge themselves quite harshly for being unable to do so. Even worse still, they will expect it of others.

Most people I know spend the bulk of their energy thinking of ways to not deal with their issues. That is like being at work expending energy on ways to be lazy. They can’t see that either way, they’re going to suffer. Either way, they are going to expend the energy.  One can face the rage, or die alone in an apartment. Either way it’s going to suck. It doesn’t seem to make sense, unless you add to the equation that a lot of people simply don’t want to be well. If I ever make that choice, there won’t be anything anyone else can do about it. It’s best to just nod, say farewell, and say thanks for those lessons learned. He changed my life like no one else could of at that moment in our lives. I’ll never forget those moments, or that shine in his eyes.