Now that I am older and have accumulated some experience I
naturally see things differently. Who
doesn't right? In my process of helping
others I have found myself repeating a theme lately; it is not actually
possible, from the inside, to see the true effect of the unconscious
programming that has occurred to us in life.
Recently I have been helping a friend who has a bully for a father much
like my own. As I speak to him I am
fully aware that he cannot see the impact of that on his own life. He cannot see the true ramifications of a
father who constantly puts down and abuses a child. Realizing this, I must also realize it is
true about me as well. The difference
between this friend of mine and I, is age.
My being a decade and a half older, certainly gives me some insight, and
using his life to see my own is part of that insight.
Being raised hyper-masculinized has had unseen impacts on my
life, all my life, but as I said with age I am slowly unraveling them. I no longer remember what was pounded into my
mind, specifically, I just know it's there.
Money has always been hand in hand with my masculinity. In this society, from the moment I was born,
it has been expected of me to work for a living. Money has always been at the center of my
sense of self, but let me be clear; this was not my choice. They pounded it into my head; a real man goes
to work. Those who raised me were so
consumed and stressed about money it practically ruined their lives, and in
their ignorance they were ruining mine as well by forcing it on me.
Look around you. How
many say this culture is jacked, then turn around and comply with its social
standards? This energy of the masses
affects us all. So you see, the idea
that my manhood revolves around a paycheck is not merely my parent’s idea, but
this cultures idea, but more importantly it is you too. Yes, you read that right, most importantly it is you. I doubt anyone reading this has set
themselves free of this cultural energy.
It is easy to say a thing, to think it, but to truly be aware of what is
going on is another thing all together.
This is difficult work that requires suffering. This is why no one does it; everyone avoids
suffering. In my situation the suffering
has been not having money. The illusion
created by this culture is that not having money is bad. Greed defined. How can I disassociate money and my sense of
being a man if I were to always have money?
The point has been, to come to terms with myself as I am without
money. To be a man, no matter what the
circumstance is the goal. Can you see
the hyper-masculinization still breathing out of me? So much concern about being a man, like I
said, it was beat into me.
To learn to feel alive and manly in my own skin regardless
of social stature (a job), is tantamount to my spiritual growth as a human
being. If someone asks you where you
work, they are not actually interested in where you work, they are sizing you
up. They are categorizing and
labeling. They are associating your worth as a human being with what you do to make money. It should not matter how much
money I have. Since when does a job
define a person? In this culture one is
looked down upon if one is male and does not have income. Literally made fun of. If I had a dollar for every time I have taken
criticism over this I would not have had to stress about food. Even those who realize this fact will still
do it to me. They too, are not aware of
the unconscious programming that this culture instilled in them. They admit the culture is whack, but continue
to subscribe to its rules.
After decades of fighting with this, fighting the shame of
it all within my own sense of Self I have finally let it go. No job, no income, defying these social
norms with my sense of dignity intact.
It is a deep feeling.
Freeing. There is no shame. No guilt.
No regrets. I've spent a huge
amount of my time helping others and never received a dime for it. A majority of the time people have been so unaware
they did not even realize I was helping them.
Even then, during those times, I was bitter on the inside for not having
any money, always feeling smaller than those with money. Like everyone else, because of my unconscious
cultural brain washing, I thought that money was the marker of success. Nothing could have been further from the
truth. Saying that now, I fully realize
how stupid I was. How stupid they taught
me to be.
It's one thing to think a thing, even to realize it, but
another all together to actually truly KNOW it. Of course, for years now, I could easily
ration it out in my mind that money has no bearing on my manhood, but the
feeling persisted no matter what I thought or said. It has been a true battle. The truth was, the truth is, to actually
realize something one must do the thing.
It's like the hot burner on the stove.
We can say we know it is hot, but we don't really know until we touch
it.
You see, there was no way to undo the indoctrination by this
culture with a pocket full of money. I
would always be trapped in the illusion of feeling like a man because I had
grip. I would be fulfilling the
lie. It took suffering, not having
money, to undo it. This reinforces what
I have said about suffering. Suffering
is not bad. Suffering is the
teacher. Going without money isn't
really suffering, it just seems that way in a culture of greed.
So this one is for those who criticize, yet are
unaware. Not many things I enjoy in
life more than saying I told you so.
While you have been selling your integrity for a paycheck, I found
mine. So busy selling yourselves out,
you don’t have time to find the truth, yet I am the one failing at life? I think not.
I feel ready now to do what I was meant to do in life, and
it doesn't have shit to do with making money.
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