I really did hate her

There are so many little stories I could tell to show you how crazy it was.  My life has been a phenomenon of sorts.  The only times in my life when lots of stuff is not constantly going on is when I am spending large amounts of time alone and back then I was never alone.  If I am out in the world, socializing, you can be sure lots will be going on.  I feel less anxious in a way if I am out in the world creating change.  Like a pendulum swinging back and forth, completely alone to utterly social, back and forth I go. 

Like I said, I was very social then.  Chris and I were in the process of breaking up.  We loved each other so it was difficult.  Being alone back then freaked me out.  I associated being alone with something being wrong with me.  Alone equaled wrong.  I was looking for another girlfriend while I was still talking to Chris.  Cruel I know. I have stated clearly that I have always regretted this. 

I had people over at my house from Golden Coral.  Not a lot of people.  It wasn't a big party or anything.  Everyone was doing what people do at parties.  We ended up on the back porch smoking.  Rachel was someone I worked with at Golden Coral.  She was older than I was so she was not in school.  I never remembered seeing her at school either.  She was completely new to me.  It was just her and I outside talking.  It was cool out.  For years I clung to the image of her hair blowing across her face as we talked that night.  Those images saved me later in life.  At times they were all I had.

We were talking about music.  I grew up listening to a lot of 80's glam rock.  You see, when boys were around I could not talk to girls honestly.  The very second boys realize that I can connect with girls they immediately start hating on me.  I didn't have the confidence back then to prevent it from happening. I couldn't talk about the music I really liked if boys were around.  It was inevitable they would call me gay.   While the other boys were banging their heads to something unintelligible to human ears I was listening to We Are the World.  I wore out my Love & Rockets cassette.  I had every Madonna cassette at one time.  When I was a kid I would record my favorite songs off of the radio onto cassettes and just play them over and over again.  I still do it today just without the cassettes.  Music saved my life.  It was my drug before I knew there were drugs.  It still is my favorite drug.  That night it also scored me a girlfriend. 

We clicked.  I liked her.  Rachel knew what it was to have a cruel father.  We had a great deal in common beyond attraction.  She later told me that night on the porch was the first time she saw that there was something to me beyond the façade.  She thought I was just a dumb jock until she actually talked to me.  I realized she was intelligent like me.  She studied people too.  I fell in love.  Not that night, but I assure you it happened.  I did not know it then but I had just met someone who would both save my life and destroy it at the same time.  I did not know then that I would end up marrying this girl. 

JoAnn's life was on the rocks.  I was riding high and her life had once again gone to shit.  We all knew this was inevitable.  We just never knew when things were going to go down.  She could not survive without a man.  Literally.  I have experienced this in my own life so I understand her plight well.  Without someone else helping pay bills she couldn't pay them all.  It was a fact.  She was always very good about keeping the details of her shenanigans to herself.  That is why we never knew when shit was going to go down.  I never knew what would be happening when I got home.  No one ever did.  Who knows what happened between her and Bob.  They were both cheating on each other I am sure. 

I'd broken ground with the clique, which was a huge accomplishment.  School was going well.  I am a junior at this time.  I had the best wrestling season to date.  I went 23-8 and never weighed in over 205 lbs. as a heavy weight, which capped at 275.  I even qualified for state.  I was beating guys I couldn't put my arms around.  I had a job with people I got along with.  I was dating a girl who was on my level in certain ways. The only bad thing in my life was my mother.  I really did hate her.  What she did next though was intolerable. 

She moved.  AGAIN!  Husband number four coming up.  He lived on a farm outside of Fayette, MO in the middle of fucking nowhere.   Even now, after all this time has passed I can’t help but to feel rage.  That fucking cunt.  Seriously, it was bad enough to move again, but to move us to the middle of fucking nowhere?  Over the top.  We ended up living in some rinky-dink farm house out in B.F.E with Josh and I sleeping in the basement yet again.  It was a 1A school district.  They did not have a wrestling team.  It just was not fair.  I had been brainwashed by her that I couldn’t go to college because of her poverty.  Wrestling was my only shot at going to college.  

The bitch never thought about anyone but herself.  Husband number four was a ranked correctional officer.  At least this time she moved up the ranks a bit.  He owned land.  He had an actual salary.  He was going to college so he could be even higher ranked.  What a fucking cunt.  

 The only good thing I can say was that he actually seemed to be a nice guy.  He was fucked up, don’t get me wrong.  Anyone who falls for JoAnn can be anything but fucked up.  No not fucked up guy would marry her.  It is a requirement just to date her that one be fucked up.  He was a nice guy though in that he never seemed to get angry.  Believe me, I was pushing JoAnn’s limits because I hated her so much so he had reason to be angry.  I was living in his house after all.

I couldn't stay in Fulton.  "Normal" people didn't like me so there was nowhere for me to stay.  I had to go with her.  She was always throwing it in my face that I was not old enough to move out.  She would call the cops.  She always did.  She didn't want to be the mom whose kid moved out at sixteen.  I was going to be starting my senior year in a new school.  I didn't want to be the new kid again.  I had just risked my life more than a few times getting myself established in Fulton.  Fuck I hated that bitch. 

She would always say, "I am doing the best I can."  I didn't know to say it back then, but I know what to say now.

Bitch, your best wasn't good enough.