Monday, December 30, 2013

Undoing what has been done.


Now that I am older and have accumulated some experience I naturally see things differently.   Who doesn't right?  In my process of helping others I have found myself repeating a theme lately; it is not actually possible, from the inside, to see the true effect of the unconscious programming that has occurred to us in life.  Recently I have been helping a friend who has a bully for a father much like my own.  As I speak to him I am fully aware that he cannot see the impact of that on his own life.  He cannot see the true ramifications of a father who constantly puts down and abuses a child.  Realizing this, I must also realize it is true about me as well.  The difference between this friend of mine and I, is age.  My being a decade and a half older, certainly gives me some insight, and using his life to see my own is part of that insight.

Being raised hyper-masculinized has had unseen impacts on my life, all my life, but as I said with age I am slowly unraveling them.  I no longer remember what was pounded into my mind, specifically, I just know it's there.  Money has always been hand in hand with my masculinity.  In this society, from the moment I was born, it has been expected of me to work for a living.  Money has always been at the center of my sense of self, but let me be clear; this was not my choice.  They pounded it into my head; a real man goes to work.  Those who raised me were so consumed and stressed about money it practically ruined their lives, and in their ignorance they were ruining mine as well by forcing it on me.  

Look around you.  How many say this culture is jacked, then turn around and comply with its social standards?  This energy of the masses affects us all.  So you see, the idea that my manhood revolves around a paycheck is not merely my parent’s idea, but this cultures idea, but more importantly it is you too.  Yes, you read that right, most importantly it is you.  I doubt anyone reading this has set themselves free of this cultural energy.   It is easy to say a thing, to think it, but to truly be aware of what is going on is another thing all together.  

This is difficult work that requires suffering.  This is why no one does it; everyone avoids suffering.  In my situation the suffering has been not having money.   The illusion created by this culture is that not having money is bad.   Greed defined.  How can I disassociate money and my sense of being a man if I were to always have money?   The point has been, to come to terms with myself as I am without money.  To be a man, no matter what the circumstance is the goal.  Can you see the hyper-masculinization still breathing out of me?  So much concern about being a man, like I said, it was beat into me. 

To learn to feel alive and manly in my own skin regardless of social stature (a job), is tantamount to my spiritual growth as a human being.   If someone asks you where you work, they are not actually interested in where you work, they are sizing you up.  They are categorizing and labeling.  They are associating your worth as a human being with what you do to make money.  It should not matter how much money I have.  Since when does a job define a person?  In this culture one is looked down upon if one is male and does not have income.  Literally made fun of.  If I had a dollar for every time I have taken criticism over this I would not have had to stress about food.  Even those who realize this fact will still do it to me.  They too, are not aware of the unconscious programming that this culture instilled in them.  They admit the culture is whack, but continue to subscribe to its rules. 

After decades of fighting with this, fighting the shame of it all within my own sense of Self I have finally let it go.   No job, no income, defying these social norms with my sense of dignity intact.  It is a deep feeling.  Freeing.  There is no shame.  No guilt.  No regrets.  I've spent a huge amount of my time helping others and never received a dime for it.  A majority of the time people have been so unaware they did not even realize I was helping them.  Even then, during those times, I was bitter on the inside for not having any money, always feeling smaller than those with money.  Like everyone else, because of my unconscious cultural brain washing, I thought that money was the marker of success.  Nothing could have been further from the truth.  Saying that now, I fully realize how stupid I was.  How stupid they taught me to be. 

It's one thing to think a thing, even to realize it, but another all together to actually truly KNOW it.   Of course, for years now, I could easily ration it out in my mind that money has no bearing on my manhood, but the feeling persisted no matter what I thought or said.  It has been a true battle.  The truth was, the truth is, to actually realize something one must do the thing.  It's like the hot burner on the stove.  We can say we know it is hot, but we don't really know until we touch it. 

You see, there was no way to undo the indoctrination by this culture with a pocket full of money.  I would always be trapped in the illusion of feeling like a man because I had grip.  I would be fulfilling the lie.  It took suffering, not having money, to undo it.  This reinforces what I have said about suffering.  Suffering is not bad.  Suffering is the teacher.  Going without money isn't really suffering, it just seems that way in a culture of greed. 

So this one is for those who criticize, yet are unaware.   Not many things I enjoy in life more than saying I told you so.    While you have been selling your integrity for a paycheck, I found mine.  So busy selling yourselves out, you don’t have time to find the truth, yet I am the one failing at life?  I think not.

I feel ready now to do what I was meant to do in life, and it doesn't have shit to do with making money.  

Friday, December 20, 2013

Mind Bending


The mind bender came to me from James Hillman in his book The Soul's Code.  Having been studying astrology, or personology as two of my favorites call it for almost a decade now, this story has been quite profound on my psyche.  My worldview has to completely change once again.

Fraternal twins were separated at birth.  They immediately went to different step mothers.  Later in their lives they were studied because of the nature of their circumstances.  In interviews they both gave explanations for why they were perfectionist.  One twin said he was a perfectionist because his mother was too, and that she ingrained it into him.  The other said he was a perfectionist because his mother was really lazy and he was compensating for her.  Okay, that bends my mind.  Thinking about how deeply this phenomenon affects all of our lives is quite profound.

Think about it.  These twins have completely elaborate life experiences built into a life story explaining why they are perfectionist, but the truth is they were born that way.  It's just who they are.  It is quite difficult to wrap my mind around this.  Not them being born some certain way, but that they had complete life stories for a particular personality trait explaining why.   What does this say about my own memory, and my own life story?  This is why spiritual masters say to stop thinking and just be.  This is why they say stop judging.  These twins, via their explanation for their behavior implied a positive/negative to the behavior.  That in and of itself is a judgment.  The twins built stories around why they were the way they were, instead of just accepting themselves for who they were.  This information greatly clarifies my own inner vision of Self.  I too am a perfectionist, but had blamed it on my environment much like these twins did. 

All of my twenties I had deep beliefs for why I was the way I was.  I had blamed most of it on her, on my upbringing, on the abuse I suffered.  It by no means excuses the circumstances, but it changes my life story completely.  This shreds much illusion regarding just who I am.  It gives me power back knowing it had nothing to do with them; I simply am what I am.  But aren't we all this way?  We were born a certain way, and from that day on there has always been someone telling us who to be.   The very culture we are born into contradicts this inner voice by constantly telling us who to be. 

Maybe for you it is another trait, or like me, multiple traits, but I bet society, or culture, or family, or a church, or school  has been telling you to be some one certain way; telling you that you must do this or that to become good or bad, or to receive a reward or a punishment.  But what about our stories playing in our minds for why we are the way we are?  This culture tainted that vision too.  One could argue that the part of our mind that builds the story is the source of the illusion; the ego.  The story builder of our minds was forced to base the story on lies.  It happened before we could realize it was happening.

Honestly, can anyone say our personal stories are true after hearing this story?   Thinking about all the other stories I play about myself in my mind, replaying over and over again, regarding why things are the way they are, can they be any truer than these twins' reasons for their personality traits?  The study of personology has helped me come to terms with myself more than any other thing I have studied.   It has given me a base from which to judge the content of my life.  An anchor against the current of cultural thought. 

This knowledge really only leaves me with one choice left, and that is to just live in the moment.  To live like I do not even have a past, not the stories at least, not the personal touch.  They cannot be taken as legitimate; they are not real.  My stories are just something my immature mind made up to give me a sense of control in a world of chaos.  Until now, not ever knowing otherwise, continued to perpetuate those stories too, because I thought they were real.  That is what the ego is for after all; that is what it does.  But now the story is different.  It has to change.  Those stories no longer exist.  They have been shattered.  It's just me now, right here, and there is nothing else to it.

This might scare some people.  Realizing it is all a lie is difficult indeed.  I think some people won't want to go there.  They sense the loneliness of it all.  Letting go of all those stories leaves one standing very alone.  I'd say those who stop in fear haven't yet realized their potential.  They are not aware of what they are truly capable.   They are afraid of what they could be, of shining so bright no one can see them.